8/11/2017 0 Comments Kids Divorce And New PartnersKids Divorce And New PartnershipsKids Divorce And New Partners IncRaising Healthy, Happy Kids Through a Divorce. My ex- husband and I had little love for each other in our last months of marriage, both of us wounded, both of us in tears, both of us heartbroken. If there weren't a child, we'd have put each other away like an old rag, either tossed in the garbage, shoved way back in a cupboard, or maybe burned to a crisp. By minimizing the stress a divorce creates, being patient as everyone adjusts to the new situation, and responding openly and honestly to your kids' concerns, you can. Life After Divorce: 3 Survival Strategies. How ex-spouses and their kids can cope after divorce and move beyond the pain. The effects of a parental split can be devastating when you are a child. But growing up doesn't magically ease the hurt. Here, adult children of divorce explain why. From 'American Idol' To 'The Bachelorette': The Top TV News Of 2017 So Far; Cassey Ho On Conquering Body Negativity & Making Fitness Fun; From 'Wonder Woman' to 'King. Child custody information for New Hampshire. Includes change of custodial parent, non-custodial parent, Child Support, Grandparents, Divorce, Mothers Rights, Moving. 3 Bullsh*t Ways WOMEN Bully Men After Divorce —P.S. Your Kids Notice. Here you are, single again, but this time with children. You finally meet someone you really, really like and. The number-one thing to keep in mind when deciding when to introduce a new partner to your kids is timing after your divorce. What’s the hurry? It could have ended with us destroying each other out of spite. But there was a child. And we couldn't ruin him with bitterness. Yet how do two people who have no need for each other raise a son? I had no idea. When my lawyer recommended that we see a co- parenting counselor, a type of therapist I'd never heard of, I did what I always do when I need perspective: I called my mother. My parents' split was messy. As much as my mother attempted to shield me from a lot of the hurt, they still fought, and like many couples, they made their share of mistakes. It took ten years, but eventually, my parents managed to share low- calorie cranberry sauce on Thanksgiving and brisket on Passover. Still, when my own divorce struck, I was determined not to repeat their missteps. So I broached the subject of seeing this special kind of therapist with my soon- to- be ex- husband. He was more than familiar with my childhood divorce stories and was immediately open to the idea. When we scheduled an introductory session with Paul Dasher, Ph. D., a clinical psychologist, it was the first thing we'd agreed on in months. At our first appointment, Cason took a seat in a narrow wingback, his long legs and body cramped as he squeezed into it. I sat on the wide blue couch across from him, not knowing what to do with the space. Dasher took his place in a broken- in office chair, a yellow notepad in hand. He was a soft- spoken man, calm, different from the couples' counselors we'd seen before: He was nothing like our old long- haired therapist, whose mouth had peered off to the side as if it wanted to be anywhere except speaking to us. Nor was he like the red- haired one who was impressed by Cason's knowledge of religion and who said I needed to stop telling him what to do. Dasher, with his sandy- blond hair, had a somber demeanor, like a funeral director ushering us in to pick a casket. We were here for one reason only: The marriage was dead. My anger was explosive; I screamed at my ex with no control, forcing Dasher to close his office windows. We did that, and it didn't work. And to get along, you have to productively work together. But if all of our sessions were going to be like this one, the odds of us finding common ground seemed impossibly long. I called my mother as soon as I got in the car. It doesn't seem right. But what was the other option? Argue in front of our son? Belittle each other? I had been through that already in my own childhood and wouldn't do it to Jake. Despite my doubts, I - we - had to go back. The second session started much like the first. There is nothing comfortable about sitting in the same room with someone you are about to not spend the rest of your life with, so I attempted to hypnotize myself with the beige swirls on the carpet. Cason went first: . I thought about his fear of losing Jake to another man, and as much as I had wished Cason would walk away from our lives, or at the very least, fall off a cliff, I knew another man would never replace him as Jake's dad. So I tried to convince him, too. We had another appointment in two weeks. Cason had asked Dasher to suggest a few child- psychology books as between- sessions reading, and he sent me one as a kind gesture. But it was more than that: This was his way of apologizing for the earlier meeting - and I accepted the offer. Things went well in the next couple of sessions. We were able to talk instead of just yell, especially about one of the last sticking points in the settlement: custody and visitation. Our son was rounding 2 years old, and I was against joint custody. I told a story of a friend who'd spent a week with her father and then a week with her mother. She'd felt nomadic, lonely, and related to neither place. Cason was fairly reasonable, and he understood my point. Still, he wanted me to be more lenient about random visits. He said I wasn't giving him enough time to develop a real relationship with Jake. I didn't want him looking in my window. I didn't want him stopping in for coffee. He then accused me of taking over our child's schedule. But Dasher reminded him that as time went on, we'd be able to soften the custody agreement. That would keep us from unnecessary arguments. He also gave us a few more suggestions: Wait until the sessions to discuss problems. Keep interactions short during drop- offs and pick- ups. We tried to follow Dasher's directions, though neither of us was very good at boundary keeping. We deliberately kept e- mails and phone calls to the point. We spoke in a friendly manner in front of Jake, and discussed discipline, nursery schools, and potty training amicably. I chose a potty seat, and he bought the same one for his house. If Jake had to go to his pediatrician, I'd call my ex with the information. We even managed to discuss some division of money without involving our lawyers. But then I canceled a visit. That's where he drew his line in the sand. I had worked hard in the past six months to get along with him, so hard to make a healthy space for our child. Now he was accusing me of something this horrific? He's not a doll you can just swing around. Now Jake, who was cranky all day because he couldn't sleep the night before, was going to have another late night because his father was trying to make a point. While Jake napped in his room, I sat sequestered in my bathroom, arguing on the phone with Cason. He didn't understand that I wanted him to be more flexible for Jake. I didn't understand how desperate he was to see his son. There were caustic words between us, a few threats to call lawyers, and a few hang- ups. Then I remembered Dasher's advice: It takes time to trust again. Try to be reasonable even though you're angry. Calm down, I told myself. If you want a civil outcome, act civil. I lowered my voice, took a few deep breaths, and assured and reassured Cason that it would never, ever be my intention to keep Jake from him. Finally, he said canceling the visit was probably right. Jake needed to get to bed early, and we'd reschedule for the next day. It was the first time in months, maybe years, that we were able to defuse an argument. And as the months continued, and as we kept to the boundaries, we did it again and again. A divorced relationship is similar to any other relationship, Dasher said many times. It takes work. A healthy child. I could see that with my son. Jake smiled, laughed, and played well with other kids. He was - and still is - an incredibly loving and happy child. We'd done what we'd set out to do. In our last session with Dasher, we discussed the division of major holidays, which were to be switched each year. Trick- or- treating in the neighborhood with Cason sounded too much like a date, but I knew my son would be excited to spend time with Mommy and Daddy. That day, Cason and I walked out of the session together into the parking lot. It was our first time walking anywhere together since we'd separated ten months earlier. We stood next to my car, and he said, . I really am sorry. I knew that for us to raise our child together, I'd have to take his lead sometimes, just as he'd have to take mine. We couldn't be married anymore, but we still needed each other - and always would. Moving Forward. Check out these resources for more info on helping kids - and yourself - through separation and divorce. Therapistlocator. Search for co- parenting counselors through this site sponsored by the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy (Aamft. Coparenting. 10. 1. This site was developed by a successful co- parenting couple; don't miss the resources section for a list of recommended reads.
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